Someone asked me the other day why I don't sell Raphi and buy another horse that I wouldn't have so much grief over. You see, it has turned out that he is not "perfect" like I thought he was. Since he has been with me he has decided he doesn't want to go in horse trailers, nor does he like being separated from his best friend- who is Pippa- not me. I told the person I had almost sent him back last fall. But something in me just won't let him go. I have had a couple of people tell me different things that make sense to me. Firstly, I was told the Universe gives us the horse we need, not the horse we want. This means he has been given to me for me to learn something. Secondly, I had Reiki done on him ( yes, many of you may pooh pooh the idea but I don't really care) and she said that he is afraid to trust, had loved and trusted a previous person and he is now afraid to trust totally as I'm only going to get rid of him anyway. Must admit, that brings back haunting memories of one of my favourite childhood stories- Black Beauty. It reminds me that a horse's life is not entirely his own, but lives at the total discretion of their owner. We can make their lives heaven or hell. Unfortunately, when I first bought Raphi his life was not full of sunshine and happiness.I mean because I let him down when I bought him, not that he wasn't happy before. You see I didn't trust him- he is right there. Instead, I decided I would make myself the leader! Make him listen and do as I said...I didn't give him credit for all he had learned and done before which is absolutely daft, as that is why I bought him- because of all he had done before. I was afraid to rock the boat and stand up for myself and him. I was supposed to be fitting us into this little box /plan that was laid out before me. It had sounded like the perfect solution. And don't get me wrong, I have seen people get great amazing results from the plan but I just realized that I wasn't happy and nor was he. Perhaps, under different circumstances things would have been different, but I lacked the encouragement and support I needed, instead I got criticism and blame.
You may wonder what all this has to do with the question of why I don't sell him. Well, you see this horse didn't have these "issues" ( separation anxiety and not wanting to load in a trailer), until I bought him and exposed him to a life that was not so reassuring for a horse. I will add here that this trip to me was not uneventful- the trailer blew two tires which I know would have been very scary and so I am sure that memory is in his mind everytime. He was beaten up by other horses ( badly- every day saw another chunk taken out of him) and lost significant weight. He was exposed to a life that he didn't know- from being a stabled, pampered horse to living in a herd outside 24/7- despite heat, flies and whatever else. Again, this lies on my shoulders as I was too afraid to stand up for him, and I didn't trust my gut, which was to have him at home- even if I didn't have an area to work him in. I wanted so badly to be accepted by another person that I had always admired, to "fit in", to follow and learn what they did and were doing ( "the Plan), that I lost myself and along with that my horse and his trust.
And so, I am now taking the time to rebuild a trust between us, and I would say this winter and spring we have come a long way. He still is insecure and hates being separated, but little by little he is starting to feel safe alone with me, and without the other horse. He now comes to me when I go out to the field- he never walks away as if to say, "No I don't want to spend time with you, I don't enjoy our time together". Instead, although I walk out to get him, he always takes those last few steps to meet me. He understands my words... or at least the energy and intent behind them. He is starting to calm and relax with a touch and trigger word I have taught him.Is he perfect? Absolutely not! Does he still have moments when his fear and anxiety are at fever pitch and I can't reach him? Yes.... but I have a LOT to undo, a lot of trust to regain. All the above is one reason why I don't sell him or trade him on.
Another reason, is that I was called a "quitter" when I had decided that I didn't want to finish my Masters degree ( I was 2 courses away from completion). At the time, I thought no I'm not a quitter, I just didn't see the point in spending time, energy and money on something that was not going to change my life. So why do I spend time, energy and money on a horse that I can't do everything with? Because THAT is something worth doing!!I may not be able to go to all the events with him I want to, or go galloping with friends across fields ( I really wish I had the nerve to do that but I have seen this boy gallop at full speed in the field and let me tell you he is a ROCKET, and don't think I would be able to stop it), but I am learning a lot about myself on this journey with him. Learning that sometimes we just can't have it all, but I am close, and who knows it time perhaps his trust will be truly mine and then I will have the perfect horse, and that will because of our journey. Don't get me wrong, most days he is great but he can be a bit like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde-- and when he is Mr Hyde he is hard to deal with- it is when he is stressed and anxious- he shuts out everything and everyone...I do live in hope that trust will be the cure to Mr Hyde. That then we can go places and do things. He did them before with a previous owner so it's in there.... I just have to find the key.
Today a story popped up on my FB page.. and I shared it... as it resonates with my feelings about Raphi. It is what made me decide to post this blog entry. It rather validates my feelings... there are days I do wish I had a horse that I could do everything with and feel safe and secure. But he came to me for a reason.... I have had other horses that I divorced ( sold) as we didn't match with no problem. Another horse may be so much less frustrating, cheaper ( Raphi is HIGH maintenance), and maybe I don't want to admit I made a mistake??--or wasted my money--- but for some reason it just doesn't feel "right" and so he stays with me and hopefully I will get where I want to-- just not quite so quickly as I had hoped.
And for those that follow the barn project, I will post soon about some of the new refinements!
“Blame doesn't empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don't want to be because you don't want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life's happiness.”
ReplyDelete― Shannon L. Alder
“Some people live their lives being perpetual victims and finger pointers. To anyone who points a finger at someone else and lays all the blame at their feet instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior, I would say, "I see that finger and you know where you can put it?”
ReplyDelete“fruit of passive-aggressive people. These people resist demands by indirect tactics. They will not take responsibility for their own choices; instead, they turn around and blame someone else for making them do it. Or they will agree to do things that they don’t really want to do, and then gripe about the person behind her back.”
ReplyDelete― Henry Cloud
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
ReplyDeleteWayne Dyer
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
ReplyDeleteTheodore Roosevelt
When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding.
ReplyDeleteNhat Hanh
It is better for you to take responsibility for your life as it is, instead of blaming others, or circumstances, for your predicament. As your eyes open, you'll see that your state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of your life has been, in large part, arranged by you - consciously or unconsciously.
ReplyDeleteDan Millman
Blaming others is nothing more than excusing yourself..
ReplyDeleteRobin Sharma
To "Anonymous"-- only cowards hide behind anonymity.....don't think I don't know who you are- I do.
Delete